Abuse of Sexuality

*I originally wrote this under my alter-ego, but have decided to move it over here.*

          I got the opportunity to chat with Tina Anderson and Christina Heuer today and one of the many things we talked about was sexual abuse within the cult.  We talked about being silenced after trying to tell someone about the abuse and the fears that nag at the back of your mind as an adult.  We talked about how difficult it is to find people who understand the dynamic of being an abuse victim in the cult and being glad for those people who can’t understand.   As always, it got me to thinking…

Though the sexual abuse of children runs rampant throughout the IFB, something that came to mind is how most girls growing up in such an atmosphere end up with sexual dysfunction of some kind whether they were molested/raped or not.  Many of the post-traumatic stress symptoms overlap.   While talking, Mandy commented that though not all of us have been abused sexually, almost all of us have had our sexuality abused.  Through constant lectures about modesty, being forced to take responsibility for ‘keeping men’s thoughts pure’, putting up with ridicule if boys or men took ‘inappropriate interest’ in us, taught to believe that any kind of sexual interest was from the ‘pit of hell’ and so on, cast such a poor light on the image of the female body many women developed an extreme fear of men and sex.  For some, the fear is so overwhelming that even though the ideal dream was to grow up, get married to an up and coming preacher boy and raise a house full of children, the thought of ‘giving one’s body’ to her spouse was as disgusting to her as it was to sexual abuse and rape victims.

Being a survivor of sexual abuse is devastating.  On the outside however, when we start to share our stories there is validation, help and support.  People empathize with our pain, join us in our anger and encourage us in our quest for healing.  But what about all those who have had sexuality abused without having been abused sexually?  How many women carry around these deep wounds and believe it’s not important enough to talk about or seek help for?  And how many people, aside from IFB survivors are able to understand the dynamic behind the lies women have believed for so long?

Since Christina and I met, she has shared with me her fear of men and the panic she experienced every time she would consider getting married and having children.  She wants a family, but can’t get past a nagging belief that submitting to a husband would set her up for spousal rape.  Submission to the husband is set up as a type of submission to God.  I heard many sermons on the subject growing up.  From the moment we were old enough to understand, we were conditioned to blindly accept the fact that once married, the head of the household’s word was law.  So to refuse to sexually satisfy him would be to refuse a command from God. 

Survivors all across the country are breaking free from the religious aspects of the cult and finding tremendous freedoms!  But how many, though free from legalism and spiritual abuse, are still trapped because of the lies about sexuality?  It’s not an easy subject do discuss.  Even after gaining a solid understanding that so much of what we were taught was a pack of lies, discussing any type of sexual dysfunction usually brings with it shame, guilt and fear.

About a year ago, Jocelyn started calling the IFB a sex trafficking ring.  The way pedophiles are protected and shuttled from one place to another to avoid discovery and “damage the cause of Christ”, she’s absolutely right.  But I’ve come to believe it goes much deeper.  The destruction of women’s sexuality not only opens children up for abuse, but women and wives as well.  By abusing an individual’s sexuality, she is being groomed for sexual abuse; as silenced child or as a submissive wife.  

Too Abused?

I've been thinking a lot about the events that took place a couple of weeks ago causing me to ask the following questions:  Can a person be so abused he/she is unable to move past it, and  is it possible that faith and trust have been so shattered they can't be put back together?

So I guess this post ends in more questions.  How do we begin to recognize the damage we've caused to others?  How do we not vilify the ones who have damaged us in the struggle for freedom? And how do we begin to pick up the pieces of shattered trust, rebuild and be willing to risk that pain again?

I've seen, been told and experienced some terrible things.  Having been created differently, none of us react to such trauma the same way.  There are those who seem to bound through life unscathed by the abuse that was suffered.  There are others however, who aren't so lucky.  They learn how to put on happy face masks, say the right things and appear to function well; but what deep and infected wounds are being hidden?  Out of an overwhelming desire to be whole, how many people are there who are feeding off the life-blood of others till there is nothing left for either person?  And how often does the one doing the draining feel abandoned or betrayed by the one with nothing left to give?

As survivors of cult abuse, just getting out was a bloody battle that takes a long time to heal from.  Often times, the fresh wounds get cleaned and bandaged, but the older ones, the ones that appear healed, are left untreated to fester and rot from the inside.  Through systematic abuse, we have been desensitized to those gangrenous limbs as taking care of them might be considered selfish, prideful, untrusting in God, or a result of sin and therefore deserved.  Changing that method of thinking takes years, if not ones lifetime!

So is it possible for good people to do really bad things without even knowing it?  I believe the answer is yes.  Wounded hearts can be some of the most passionate!  That passion gives one a sense of worth, something to fight for, something to believe in again.  Unfortunately, it can also leave a blind eye to the wake of destruction and pain in their path.  It's not nearly as hard to take a person out of a cult as it is to take the cult out of the person.  Reprogramming instinct is hard! 

I guess this post boils down to more questions.  How do we recognize the destruction we've done to others?  How do we not vilify those who have wounded us in their struggle for freedom? And how to we pick up the pieces of that shattered trust, rebuild and be willing to hand it over again?

Now What?

It's been a week since the latest round of drama has unfolded.  My fb message box has many messages, texts come in at all hours of the day and my phone rings often from people wanting the newest and most up to date info on this awful situation.   I wish I knew what to say.

My heart aches, not only because I've lost people I valued as friends, but because so many have been wounded through calculated acts of another.  I've been told by the one who received the release it was told to him that the document came from someone other than me.  All I can do is shake my head in disbelief! I know with whom I shared that draft,  and each knew beyond doubt it was from me.  The fact that this piece of paper has been used to slander someone I care about wounds me more than the accusations the slandered person is making.

How can people be so willfully cruel?  Why would someone knowingly pervert a document when it's true purpose would eventually be found out?  I can't wrap my brain around it; I just can't.  And still, it's being told to me 'I knew the source of the slander and did nothing'.  This is surreal.

I've been called a fraud by one I loved as a friend, a backstabber by those who protect her as I once did and a patsy by those who "knew" I would eventually be betrayed.  I feel a bit like Jake Sully...  but I have no fierce winged creature to tame,  fly in on, regain my respect and save the day by exposing the true enemy.  So, now what? 

I have cried so many tears my eyes are dry and burning.  I have tried to share the truth to no avail.  I am left to follow a course of action that cannot provide a winning outcome, even if, in the end my name is vindicated.  I simply can not see past the damage this is going to do to a cause I so vehemently believe in.  What happened to the "I will come to you if there should be a problem between us"?  Though you can take a leader out of a cult, maybe you really can't get the cult out of the leader. 

I shut out several of my friends these past few days out of fear of losing more, being rewounded each time I was told I'm no longer trustworthy, isolating myself in the deep places of my mind.  I must begin to make my way out of safety of my hiding place.  I must again find the courage to speak out for those who are not yet able. Though I am now seen as an enemy, I must find away to come along side my former friend and fight for the freedom so many deserve; even if that means standing behind the gate, arrows at the ready.

Take them down my friend, I still have your back...  but this time I know you don't have mine.

Betrayal, Pt 2

My head is swimming.  So many people, some I haven't talked to in several months, have been sending messages of support, texting and calling since this mess began.  Thanks to you all, I appreciate your willingness to stand behind me!

I'm still so blown away by all this.  It amazes me, though I'm not sure why, how quickly people can go from friends to enemies.  After being asked for documentation to disprove some of the slander being spread,  I started reading back on some fb messages we'd sent back and forth.  I haven't kept everything, though in retrospect I wish I had, but the conversations were always kind and supportive.  It's hard to see so much lost because someone, (I wish I knew who) decided to be so malicious.  To twist something around to hurt another on purpose is simply beyond my comprehension.  I just don't think that way!  Perhaps that's why, despite prompting by some, I can't bring myself to denounce her.  I have no choice about what may happen legally; I'm being counseled to prepare for the worst fight of my life.  However, I can't help but wonder how things might be different had she chosen not to close the door of communication.   Rather than share some concerns she was having with me to me, she went to a private group of others.  I wonder how much of this disaster could have been diverted had there been honesty rather than secrecy.

She is someone I respect.  Yes, I said that in present tense.  Had I thought for one microsecond asking for help with my release (and yes, I have proof of that asking) could have done the damage I'm being told it caused, I would not have.  But I'll say again, I don't think that way!   She has given up a lot to fight for others.  Whether her motives are for the children or not, think of the countless hours one would need to invest to have accomplished so much.  Regardless of motive, that alone deserves respect!  Would this have caught the public eye without her endless toil?  My guess is probably not.

It's difficult to relinquish all hope of regaining someone I valued as a friend.  This cult has destroyed so much already.  But there is no way to recover from such deviation, for either of us.  Both reputations will bear these scars forever.  But always in my prayers I will be saying "take them down, my friend, take them down"!

Betrayal

Never in my wildest imagination would I have believed I'd be writing such a post.  I can barely see through the stream of tears.

A little over a year ago, someone I considered a friend, asked in a public group on facebook if anyone was willing to put a book together of survivor stories.  Having done some writing in the past, I said I'd do it.  So I contacted some people who said they'd be willing to share and then combed the internet for a release form for the stories.  I found one that mostly fit, but needed some revising and sent it to those people I'd contacted asking for help with making it work.

A couple people responded, saying they decided against contributing because the release was worded in such a way that their rights to their own stories would be taken away.  So I went back and did some more revisions.  Eventually, due to the lack of responses and my returning to full time work, I tabled the project.

Two days ago, a copy of the release surfaced.  I'd forgotten about it honestly. A friend called to tell me what was going on and I immediately posted in defense of the 'friend' being slandered.  The release was being twisted to pervert truth and hurt her.

Well, instead of coming to me, as she promised she would if there was an issue between us, she started making accusation after accusation and banning anyone who would try to correct her.  Heaven forbid SHE be wrong.

So now, I'm being accused of fraud because I named where I wanted some of the proceeds to go.  Is anyone bothering to actually read the stupid release?  I don't think so, because it's not hard to put it and what I've said together.  Except for those looking for things to use against her, it's a bit over the top to think it was anything but a draft of a release!

I suppose the best thing is to let y'all decide for yourselves.   One is the link to the blog that contains a copy of the release and the other is the group I've been banned from. Look for Melissa Topia's comments yesterday around 9PM.  Are those claims valid, really?

http://jocsapeckadilloes.blogspot.com/2012/08/its-not-for-children-its-for-cah.html?m=1

 
http://m.facebook.com/home.php?refid=8&_rdr#!/groups/35429320847?ref=bookmark&__user=100001242353225

Outcast

It's Sunday morning and I'm able to be at my church for the first time in several months.  Driving isn't all that conducive to regular attendance. 

The first few times I was able to be here since starting my job, I was welcomed with smiles and open arms.  Later it dwindled down to a very specific few welcoming me home.  Now, today included, I feel as though I've come to a place I've not been before.  There have been a couple of nods of recognition, from people who I used to view as family.  And the kids who would knock me down while jumping into my arms now begrudgingly hug me; perhaps feeling it to be a duty like hugging great-aunt who will pinch unwanting cheeks.   This one time place of peace has become a source of pain.

Perhaps I've outgrown this place as a student moves through grade levels.  But past teachers are usually welcoming to former students.   Perhaps the growth I've experienced these last 18+ months has made this place obsolete. More than anything though, I think perhaps the reason is more likely to be tied to the strained relationship I have with the youth pastors wife when I began thinking for myself.  Everything has changed since then.  They supported me through one 'crisis of faith', doesn't look like another is acceptable.

Could there be an understanding in some that who I love isn't something I can do anything about? Maybe, but this church as a whole condemns who I am.  Knowing the disappointment so many here would feel saddens and hurts me.  People who claim today to love me will walk away when the time comes to stop pretending.  The Jesus I'm learning about through my own study isn't here as much as I once believed.

My heart is in such conflict today.  It is heavy knowing there will be so much loss.  It is hurting because most of these people truly want to serve God and love people, but cause so much damage to the souls of others by preaching that their core self is unworthy of Heaven.  They showed me so much truth!  They opened my mind to accept God as bigger than who the cult taught me He was.  And yet, He isn't big enough to love the homosexuals?  I just don't understand.  

One more time I find myself on the outside looking in.  Once more, I am the outcast.

In Shock

I found out today that the brother of the youth pastor at my church was shot and killed yesterday.  I have no words, just a myriad of emotion.  Bob and his family took me in at the worst time of my life.  His family became my family.  I hurt deeply for them.

For those who happen to read this, please pray for this family.

http://www.wkyc.com/news/article/254686/45/Cleveland-3-bodies-found-in-east-side-auto-business

Baby Steps

Building new relationships is hard for me.  I have a knack for one of two things:  I either completely give my trust, usually to the wrong people, or I test the waters so much that I drain people.  Neither lead to lasting friendships!

Since starting my newest job, I've met a few people I wouldn't mind adding to the short list of people I call friends.  I see qualities in them that peek my interest and and have pushed me out of my comfort zone enough to strike up conversations to get better impressions and assess the risk factor.  So far, so good.

The down side to this is that I find myself playing through a myriad of what if scenarios, usually ending badly in my mind.  I aslo see myself trying to mold myself into my perception of the type of person he/she might like just a little better than who I believe I am.  It's strange, I know since until the possibility of friendship arose, I had no reason to be anything but myself.  And since the invitation of friendship has been offered to me while being me, I shouldn't feel a need to change.

Unfortunately, that has been my pattern in the past.  Not believing myself good enough, I pretend to be what I think is.  Keeping up a facade takes a lot of work and usually ends up destroying the relationship I was trying to build.  And since most all my friendships have failed, for the above stated reasons as well as others, I find myself wanting to to completely change the building blocks.

Where to start!?  I'm not sure I have a clue.  I do know that insanity is repeating something over and over again, expecting different results and I'm tired of circling that mountain.  To get different results, I need to try a different approach.  The first step... just being me!   Old patterns aren't easy to change, but I find being myself isn't as exhausting as playing me is.  Hiding my fears, weaknesses and flaws takes a lot of energy!  Exposing them isn't a barrel of laughs, but so far it's easier than pretending they don't exist.  Admitting fear has always carried with it the stigma of weakness.  I'm starting though, to believe it takes more courage to be real!

It's gonna be interesting to see where each of these baby steps leads.

Dusting Off pt 2

After so much hurt, there is a tendency to become numb and surviving life be becomes easier than trying to thrive.   My heart was surrounded by more scar tissue than every physical wound put together.  What few dreams I had in life had fallen by the wayside.

So what happens when you meet someone, or a small handful of people who begin to challenge the preconceived opinion of relationship and human nature?  I find myself in this quandary in more ways than one as of late.  Opportunities for friendships,  lasting friendships are beginning to open and I'm terrified! The loneliness deep inside is crying out, begging the others to step out again and take a chance.  The child wants to run as fast and as far away as possible! What little rationality I have is trying to draw the other 2 together for compromise.   I've grown a lot over these last 18 months or so.  But have I grasped the concept of relationship, regardless of its form, enough to take such a leap? 

My need (yes I must confess to having needs) for human interaction hasn't waned despite my greatest effort do deny it existence.   To have a small group if intimate friendships is becoming strangely attractive and such wants are terrifying!  I am learning, however, God created us for relationship; with Him and others.

My once narrow views on people and their motives has expanded this last year and a half, but has it expanded enough to take such a leap into a potentially lethal situation? Have I grown past enough of my past and my negative expectations to attempt again, creating that which has been the cause of so much fear and pain?  Am I capable of getting into this without feeling the need to conform to my belief of what might be expected of me?

I think it's high time I start trying to see some value and worth in myself.  There are a few things I am good at after all.  So the decision is made...  I'm gonna pull myself out of the muck by my bootstraps, dust off and move on.

Dusting Off and Moving On

As an abuse survivor, being hurt and betrayed by people in trusted positions has been a fact of life.   Those whom I believed worthy of trust took advantage of or abused it.  Those who genuinely tried to help I pushed away believing the desire had to stem from selfish desire and when they finally stopped trying, I felt rejection or abandonment.  

Childhood sexual abuse and rape has a way of warping ones view on others.   I had 2 positions, fully trust or fully don't.   Most people fell in the don't category whether deserved or not.  Out of the handful in the do category, most should never have been there. Eventually I came to believe no one was safe, though I was desperate for some type of love in my life.

I tried my hand at relationships a time or three...  the first was a disaster:  though at the time, I was blinded by what I believed was love and never would have admitted it.  She was skilled in the art of manipulated and used it frequency to convince me all the problems in our relationship were due to my dysfunction.  I was a really messed up young adult and true to my upbring accepted responsibility and let myself be tormented by believing I was the sole cause for the problems in our relationship.   The fact that she looked at 'conquering' me as a game and then had no idea what to do with me after she succeeded couldn't have factored in at all.  The fact that she had at least one other woman on the side (a fact I was completely blind to) couldn't have been part of the problem.  And the fact that everything had to revolve around her and her convince couldn't possibly have contributed!

The second was really good, until I let others tell me what I should and shouldn't be.  She was very good to me on the whole.  But I chose family and forced faith over her love, wounding us both.  Fortunately, she's an amazing person and we have maintained a level of friendship despite my actions.  

The third, well, I'm not even sure there's a classification for it.  I'm still not quite sure what to think about beings dumped by the third for the first!  Yes, she left me for my first girlfriend.   Silly me to think they'd just be good friends.

Friendships and relationships served only to create more hurt. So what do you do when everyone in your life lets you down?  I decided to put all my efforts into a worthless task ... I focused all my time and energy into trying to become straight.

To be continued ....

I'm A Person First

Why is it when someone finds out about the sexual orientation of another, being gay becomes his/her identity? I Don't understand the need to say 'this is my friend who is gay'.  That's as nuts as introducing someone as a straight friend?  Why are people so hung up on what goes on in the bedroom of certain people?  Perhaps such a fantasy is the most excitement he/she is getting?

When asked to described myself, I usually say things like this:  I'm a penny pincher, I try to be kind to people, I try to meet the needs of others, I do my best to be honest and upfront, I enjoy the water and most everything to do with water, I have blue eyes, I'm a very loyal person and a few other things along that line.  I'm not sure I've ever started a conversion by announcing my sexual preferences.

How many people do you walk up to and ask 'by the way, are you straight?'  If you're anything like me the answer is probably none.  So why the need to ask 'are you gay'?

So here it is:  I'm Melanie; a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a grandchild, a friend, an American, an Ohioan and a facebook addict.  I believe in God, do my best to love like Jesus and enjoy going to church when I get the chance.

It is written... Or is it?

Like most good fundies, I grew up believing just about everything I was fed from the pulpit.   This included homosexuality of course.   Murder was looked on with kinder eyes!

For the last year and a half, I've been trying to draw my own conclusions about what the Bible says rather than what I have always been told it says.  It hasn't been as easy as I originally thought.  It's difficult to put aside the things my mind thinks it already knows.  But by shutting off my preconceived beliefs, I've allowed my heart to ponder Gods book and am amazed at some of the things I see differently.

One example would be the story of the prodigal son.  Yes, it is a great picture of how God loves and forgives us over and over for demanding our independence then running back when things don't go as we'd planned.  But, even more, it's a story about doing the right things for the wrong reasons.  How many sermons have been preached about the attitude of the older brother?  The lessons that can be learned from him are just as important; perhaps even more so.  God takes attitude just as seriously as obedience.

Another example we couls look at would be the many verses about loving your neighbor as yourself.  From everything I've read, we are to be as kind, loving and patient with ourselves as with others. The sermons I grew up hearing called any such type of attention to self sinful and selfish.  One can also ask who is being referred to as the neighbor.  Again, I believe it's a much broader group than I was taught.

Now we come to the 'gay' issue.  Does the Bible discuss homosexuality?  The answer is yes!  But what exactly is it referring to?  This is the real debate.  Do those few passages all homophobics use  refer to a lifestyle, or an act?  The more I research on my own, the more I believe the latter to be true.  If the men who gathered at Lot's home were gay, why did he offer his daughters (which makes me sick on so many levels) to them.  I believe the group's goal was power, not sex and that's called rape!  It makes sense to me that God would command a heterosexual man not to have sexual encounters with another man.  If he is not gay, then his only reason for it would be as rape. Romans seems to be referring to a group of people engaging in sexual activity so whether they were gay or straight it was wrong.  The passage in 1 Corinthians doesn't use the term homosexual in the KJV, which many of the extremist fundamentalist groups use. And if I have my Jewish history right,  the Levitical Law was written for the tribe of preists, the Levites!  God demanded a higher standard of living for them.

So what can we really take away from those few verses without changing the context?   I didn't see 'God hates gays' stated there.  Nor did I read anything about repudiating 2 people coming together who love each other.  I still have a lot to study, but I believe I can say with relative certainty God loves us all and has commanded us to love our neighbor!

Will and Erwynn. Awesome

The article says it all!

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/the_wedding/2012/07/erwynn_umali_and_will_behrens_the_first_gay_wedding_on_a_military_base_.html

Losing Family

Many members of my extended family chose to separate from me when I first came out as gay in the early '90s.  The large majority of members in the 'church' I grew up in were related in some way as the church was built on my great grandparents farm.  It didn't take long for that kind of gossip to spread and to realize how unwelcome I was.

Let me pause for just a second and clarify a quick point.  Much of the time, when I talk about my family in general terms, I am referring to my mothers side.  I cut off contact with my dad and his side of my family for many years because of the abuse.  Though I currently have interaction with them now, it will more than likely cease when my recent decision to stop pretending is made more public. 

Though I was the apple of my grandmothers eye, I never won any type of approval from her husband.  My existence reminded him daily of my Mom's imperfections and he let me know it.  When I got involved with my first girlfriend, it only made a bad relationship worse.

My uncles didn't show much interest in me while growing up, but were ready, willing and able to join in my grandfathers dislike of me when I refused to let my grandfather berate my youngest brothers.  I admit, I wasn't nice about it!  My coming out only solidified their justification in attitude and one of them has not spoken to me since.  The other had to tolerate me because of my relationship with his wife.

The one comfort I took throughout the years of various relations deciding to shun me was the promise never to walk away by my aunt by marriage.  She and I became close after I disclosed the abuse by my father, and she was the only family member I confided in about the other assaults I'd gone through.  As I reached adulthood, our aunt/niece relationship became more like close friends and she began confiding in me as well.  She was the thread that linked me to my family.

That thread however, began to fray about a year or so ago.  The story surrounding it is too long and detailed to explain in this post.  Losing her has left a hole whose pain is only rivaled by the passing of a cousin and my grandma. Fundamentalism won its final victory over me.  Though my heart still bitterly mourns the loss, there is nothing of value left for it to rip from me.  There is nothing and no one left for it to use to manipulate me back into its clutches.  A high price to pay to be sure, but freedom is worth it!

Fundamentalism and LGTB - pt 2

I've spent the last 10 years of my life trying anything and everything to 'free myself' from the 'sin of being gay'. I went to ex-gay ministries and Bible studies, I turned my journal into a prayer book and poured out my heart to God, I listened to teachings and read lots of books on leaving the lifestyle and I hid myself away from anyone who might be a temptation. I got very involved in my church and for awhile, believed I had been fixed.  I really wanted to be!  I wanted to be a person my family, church and God could love.

Then, last year, I started gaining an understanding of how damaged I was, not only from the physical and sexual assaults,  but from religious and spiritual abuse as well.  Though I walked away from my extreme fundamental 'church' years ago, much of those core beliefs were still deeply embedded my soul.  My need to change my sexual orientation pouring from a desire to have some kind of relationship with my family and God; my self-hatred coming from a belief that I was broken and displeasing to my family and God, a belief I could never truly be loved because I hadn't maintained my virginity and that no man would want me because of my past involvement with women are just a few.

Last spring, I joined a couple Facebook groups geared toward cult abuse and was overwhelmed by the number of people who shared similar experiences!  I was equally surprised at the number of LGTB sharing stories, speaking out against the hate and believing in God.  I grew up believing being gay and loving God were mutually exclusive.   So many old hurts flooded back to the surface.   I knew if I reopened the door to my sexuality, I risked losing what few family members and friends I had left.  After all, I've been playing it straight for several years.  But the God I was being exposed to in these groups is totally different from the  god I grew up with.  The more time I spent trying to get to know this God who wasn't pacing back and forth in Heaven waiting for me to screw up so he could send me to Hell, the more I wanted to know.

I feel like I'm on a brand new spiritual journey and I'm actually enjoying the walk!  Realizing I am who God made me to be is powerful.   Though lots of road is still ahead, realizing I can be gay and not lose God has been a freeing experience.   I no longer want to die when the normal for me desires surface.   I don't feel the need to go running to my Pastor either, to join me in my fight to 'stay heterosexual'.

I have no idea what the future holds, but I know I'm done trying to change in an effort to keep receiving love from others.  No amount of change, real or attempted will be enough for some.    When this blog is discovered or they realize on their own I'm done with the facade, my best friend and the little family I have left will probably walk away.  Prayerfully, I will be strong enough in my new relationship with God to let Him guide me through that storm.

Fundamentalism and Growing Up LGTB

This is quite a difficult topic for me.  At times, I still struggle with the shame and self-loathing I allowed to be put on me from the years of spiritual manipulation and abuse I grew up with.  It is not easy to relearn Biblical truths.  So many things I believed with every fiber of my being have been called into question as I walk this path of spiritual healing.  Sorting through all the lies is not a job for the weak.

I knew early in junior high something made me different from other kids.  For a few years, I believed it was because of the sexual abuses and assaults I'd experienced.  I got a quick glance at it during the summer between my junior and senior years when I was accused of being lesbian by a few kids I was in an orchestra with.  It was easy enough to dismiss as I had no interest in romantic relationships of any kind in my teens.  Some of the disinterest stemmed from abuse, some from the hundreds of purity sermons I heard from the pulpit.

I wonder if any child can grow up with any kind of normalcy while in the clutches of extreme fundamentalism.  Our sexuality is abused right from the start while hearing how wicked 'the flesh and its desires' are.  Females are bullied into accepting responsibility for the lustful thoughts of men if we don't dress to their standards or properly satisfy their needs.  Men are taught women exist for them, sexually and otherwise causing a continuation of the abuse of authority.   And those of us who are LGTB grow up believing our existence is a sin.  This abuse of sexuality is as damaging as sexual abuse.

Hatred for myself ran deep.  Not only had I failed in my responsibilities to keep men from lust 'causing' the sexual abuse, I was a failure in Gods eyes for being gay.  I was the representation of all He hated.

In my early 20's, I got involved with my first girlfriend.   My family, and my church went ballistic.   They had meetings about how to shun me, and they probably would have then had my girlfriend not broken up with me.  So to please my fundy family, I tried to fix myself and pray away the gay.  I was devistated when it didn't work. But like a 'good Baptist girl', I blamed myself for having pissed God off and becoming unworthy of healing.

For the last 20 years I've been fighting the can I make myself straight battle.  I love God!  I love the Bible.  And if wanting to change and prayer were enough, I would be straight.  But, I'm not.  I'm just not.

...to be continued

“Love your neighbor as you love yourself”? 

From as far back as I can remember, "love your neighbor as yourself" has been resounding through fundamentalist churches,  with the major emphasis on 'the neighbor' part.  Being a good Christian, at least on the outside, is very important!  'Show love to the unlovable' I often heard:  'Don't hurt the cause for Christ' by showing any emotions.  'Turn the other cheek and endure persecution for the Lord' was another favorite.   But what does that have to do with the context of these verses?  

Personally, I believe the answer is nothing!  That 'Christian ease' merely covered the fact that the real lesson wasn't to be looked at.

Two very important, symbiotic, themes are present in that simple command.  The most obvious would be to love your neighbor.   That's pretty basic.  Treat others kindly, graciously and respectfully.  If you wouldn't want something to be done to or said about you, don't do it or say it about another.

The second part, however, isn't as clear sometimes.   There seems to be a big hang up on the 'as yourself ' part.  Extreme fundamentalism teaches us to despise everything having to do with self.  Taking time out of a busy day to rest is being lazy.  Wanting some personal time is selfish.  Wanting someone to help with a task is selfish and demanding, and the list goes on.  How in the world are we to have any idea how to be loving to others when taught to hate ourselves?

For those who believe the Bible,  it says we were made in Gods image.  Over and over again it says God is love.  So if God is love and we were made in His image, why such an emphasis on hate?

If God loves us, there must be something in us to love.  If He sees worth and value each person, shouldn't we?  I'm learning the more I accept myself, the more I can accept God's love.  And the more I can accept His love, the easier it is for me to love others. What a simple yet rarely heard concept! 

Learning to love myself hasn't caused me to become self-absorbed and self-centered.  It's actually given me a greater compassion for others.  The kinder I am to myself, the easier a time I have being kind to others.  I don't see others through my distorted, self-loathing point of view. 

How incredible it is to find freedom in truth!

Leviticus 19:18
... Love your neighbor as you love yourself. I am the Lord.

Mark 12:31 NCV
The second command is this: ‘Love your neighbor as you love yourself.’   

Galatians 5:14 NCV
The whole law is made complete in this one command: “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.”  

James 2:8 NCV
This royal law is found in the Scriptures: “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.”  

NOM?

I saw a post today stating that Kirk Cameron is being defamed by his stance on marriage.  Why is that a problem?

I have already stated, I hate religion.  But, I do believe in the Bible and believe it's a good handbook for life.  Families are the backbone of any society.  Values, morals and ethics are passed down from generation to generation, whether conscious or not.  No matter how much we say we're not gonna take after our parents, inevitable some things just rub off.

Unfortunately, we live in a society that views relationships to be as disposable as diapers.  As soon as it gets a little tough, it's time to throw in the towel and start again.  I see this not only with marriage relationships, but with friendships as well.   If you disagree with me, end the relationship; if you hurt my feelings, end the relationship; if you don't want to do things my way, end the relationship.  Our fast food, feel good society has helped create a lazy and selfish generation.  This 'all about me' mentality will only continue to drive people apart.   I agree with much of what I've heard Kirk say, with one major exception.

From what I've read, Kirk comes out strongly against the LGTB community.   That, I cannot let slide without comment.  I have been on both sides, living as a lesbian and trying to force myself to be straight.  People who have never has same sex attraction will more than likely never understand those of us who do.  Being heterosexual comes so naturally to them that nothing else computes.  They're so 'unattracted' to the same sex that the thought may make him/her want to cringe, and you know what?  That's ok.  The line gets crossed however, when that 'want to cringe' feeling turns into an aversion and discrimination.   Something not feeling right for one does not make it wrong for another!   I, and many like me, have that same 'I just want to cringe' feeling when I/we think about being in a heterosexual relationship!   Being attracted to a woman comes naturally for me, and I just can't change it. Believe me, I spent the majority of the last 10 years trying to 'pray away the gay'.  It just doesn't work.

The definition of family needs to be broadened to include the LGTB community, not exclude it.  We are not a mutant group of sex craving perverts.   We do not abuse or molest children because we're gay any more than people abuse and molest children because their straight.  But enough on that soap box, for now.

Kirk,  I personally applaud your effort toward reminding people how important and precious marriage and family are.  I'd like to see more people taking that stance.  But until you sit down with me, or any other Christian person who also happens to be homosexual,  please leave out the hate!

God said, or cult said?

I had the opportunity to go on a cruise last week for vacation.   It was wonderful.   I recommend them for everyone!

While cruising to Mexico, I met people from all over the world.  One person in particular stands out in my mind.  She is from South Africa and wouldn't ya know grew up in a similar extremist religious environment. 

How many religions today say the preach the Word of God and find a way to twist 'The Word' to say what they desire it too?   I'm beginning to think the numbers are much higher than I want to believe.  I wonder then, how much of what was forced down my throat really comes from God's heart?

Too many things have happened in my life to be able to deny God exists.  Those things have also shown me that God is not so hands off as I accused Him of being.   The farther I get from religion, the more I see and learn about God.  For too long I have let others speak in His place.  For too long I let others tell me what I believe.

As I begin reading the Bible again, and not the KJV, I find it says a lot of things that completely contradict the teachings of my youth.   I am enjoying this new realm of discovery and get to see God in different light.   He is the God of love, not some angry tyrant waiting to beat me when I 'step out of line', even a little.  It is not His desire to "break my will" or anyone else's.  It is not His desire that I become a cookie cutter image of other believers.  I love leaning it's ok for me to just be me!

Just because the cult told me 'God says' doesn't mean that God actually said it.  My new quest, to sort out truth from so many lies!

Pushing through

I have to admit, these last few days in the truck have been really difficult.  My body isn't recovering as quickly as I'd like and bouncing around is wreaking havoc on my insides.  Before I came back to work, I weaned off the Percocet I was given for pain and started taking Alieve and ibuprofen instead.  It hasn't been as effective, though I was sure I could make it through a few days.  Boy was I wrong.  I ended up needing my roommate to overnight my prescription to me because the pain became unbearable.

I started thinking about the great many times I've pushed myself through painful times in the past, both physical and emotional.   How often I forced myself to endure because I'd been taught to believe 'giving up' was wrong.  If I gave up, I wasn't giving God my best.  Strange how I wasn't taught that abusing myself was wrong since my body 'is the temple of The Holy Spirit'.  I wonder how many long term issues (physical and psychological) could have been avoided had someone considered teaching balance rather than all or nothing.

It's difficult for me to say 'I can't' to something if I know I have the ability.   After all, while growing up it was disrespectful or lazy or selfish to say "no" to someone.  Even now, I'll let myself be pulled in every direction rather than risk disappointing someone by not doing what was asked.  Perhaps its time to start risking the disappointment of others and a little better care of me.  Taking time to heal or rest isn't always being selfish...  pushing through isn't always heroic.  I think I might learn to like the word balance!

Back to work

I got back on the truck today and I must admit, I'm hurting more than I expected.   The bouncing around is rather difficult.   Normally, I sleep well when the truck is moving, but find myself wanting to cry.  I pray this passes quickly.

As much as I love my job,  I'm finding my heart longs for a different path.  Perhaps the knowledge of not being able to have children has made the desire greater, but I'm wanting to put my time and energy into a family instead of a job.  Such thoughts bring back the wondering how life might have been had my growing up years been different. 

I cannot wait to start feeling like myself again.  All this time to think takes its toll. 

Grieving

As I think back on the day, I find myself thinking about some of the things I've lost over the years.  Some of those things are what would be considered normal; the passing of loved ones, friendships growing apart etc.  Some are found in dreams not realized, paths not taken and results from every day decision making.  Some however, are found in circumstances entirely beyond our control, and these keep rolling through my mind.

I suppose the reminiscing started the couple of months before last weeks surgery.  The realization that I will not have children of my own has been a grieving process in and of itself, but opened the gates to other never's in my life.

The pains of my abusive childhood robbed me of many things as a young adult, and probably still does to some extent.  I was too afraid of people to experience 'puppy love' in junior high and high school.  Looking back, I think missing out on teen romances hindered my ability to form more lasting relationships as I got older.  I never developed the skills.  The foundation usually built during that age escaped me, and I didn't learn tools like give and take, conflict resolution and mending a broken heart until, well, the last few years.  Many people, through 'normal relationship comings and goings' wounded me deeply; and I am sure I've wounded others by my overreaction to the losses and perceived abandonment.

My childhood stole my innocence and carefree spirit, and created a perfectionistic, demanding adult.  Many of the people in my life have been hurt by my inability to bend and belief that my way was the only way.  (Thank God for grace, and bringing people into my life to teach me otherwise)  What it cost in lost relationships due to my unwillingness to relinquish control I may never know.  Perhaps my "home, husband, 2.3 children and dog" were among those I drove away out of fear.

Another of the many things I lost as a victim of abuse was my ability to trust those around me.  I lived in a 'take it or leave it' environment.  My mom's side of the family has, for the most part, left it.  My harsh attitudes and fear made it difficult for those in my life at that time to get inside the walls I'd built for self protection, and eventually, most of them stopped trying.  I am the oldest of 11 siblings:  I interact with 5 and have a real relationship with only 1.  My mother and aunts are more acquaintances than family.  My uncles, and the majority of my extended family have written me off.  Their reasoning... most likely due to the 'unpardonable sin' of having girlfriends rather than boyfriends as an adult.

It's difficult knowing the actions of others in my life has created so much loss.  Not getting to watch 12 (so far) of my nieces and nephews grow up, missing out on the lives of my siblings, knowing I'll not have a child of my own:  these are painful indeed.  For so many years I put on an "I don't care, it's their loss" attitude and locked away the grief.  But I'm realizing these last several weeks that looking at the pain and admitting it exists is not weakness.  Letting down my guard and crying with people I know I can trust does not mean I'm not strong.  I'm finding by letting the poison of the past go and giving my heart time to heal creates more room to love those who are in my life.

Results

I called the doctor again this afternoon, and was able to speak to her.  She told me the biopsy results were normal and then we discussed options for managing my pain.  The first choice will be shots and if that doesn't help, I'll move on to a slightly more invasive solution.

God is faithful, and honored the prayers of myself and all those who've been lifting me up during this event.  I'm so grateful He's not the god I grew up believing in!

The Unknown

This is the third night now I haven't been able to sleep.  A lot is on my mind I suppose.

I didn't worry about results from the biopsy when I first found out it needed to be done.  The surgery itself kept my mind pretty occupied.  Knowing I would have no control over what was happening to me created enough preoperative fear.

Now though, I find myself searching the internet for websites about uterine cancer, signs and symptoms of it, the different stages of cancer, how the disease might progress,  treatment options and the list goes on.  Though this is not the first time I've experienced this wait, I seem to be experiencing more dread at this point in my life.  I know full well God is in control and that He will see me through each battle.  I have confidence in His plan and don't fear the thought of death.  However, I can't shake the 'you got lucky the first time' feeling.

Control is a difficult issue for me, especially when I don't believe I have any.  So much of my life spun out of control for too many years.  Not knowing what's happening to my own body is a frightening thing.  Experiencing side effects to a 'simple surgery' performed almost a week ago has my mind playing the what if game.  What if the reason I feel more pain is because something really is wrong with me?  What if something happened during the surgery I don't know about?  What if the biopsy comes back malignant?  What if I need to have another surgery?  What happens with my job?  What happens with the move I'm preparing for?  What if I'm just a sap and there's nothing wrong with me at all?  What if the pain I feel is just in my mind?

The unknown is a place I have no control.  It does not bend to my will or care about the affect it has on my heart and mind.  And yet, it consumes my thoughts.  This issue has brought that fact to light; but makes me wonder how much of myself I hand over to the unknown places.

Another Surgery

I found myself having some medical issues a few weeks ago, which led me to needing surgery last week.  I haven't gotten the results from the biopsy, but I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the possible outcomes.

Quite obviously, I really don't want to find out I have cancer.  I've been through that once, and once was too much.  Unfortunately, as hard as I try, I can't seem to stop myself from playing scenarios in my mind.

I suppose I should admit to not being opposed to having some small thing wrong; I'd like not having a uterus and ridding myself of the discomforts that come with it.  But I found myself wondering what my family would do if it turned out I was sick.  Those that live near me have very little to do with me.  Would an illness change things?

I remember when my aunt was diagnosed with brain cancer more than a decade ago now.  I drove straight through from Florida to Maryland when she had surgery.  My work schedule didn't allow me to stay long, less than a day actually. All I knew though, was that my aunt was sick, and I wanted her to know I loved her.

My dad's side of the family has been told of my recent medical issues, and are praying.  They drop me a line on Facebook to let me know they're thinking of me.  My mom's side doesn't even know I needed to see a doctor let alone surgery and a biopsy.  Most of them live less than half an hour from me but we haven't spoken in months.  Would that change if the diagnosis is serious?