Outcast

It's Sunday morning and I'm able to be at my church for the first time in several months.  Driving isn't all that conducive to regular attendance. 

The first few times I was able to be here since starting my job, I was welcomed with smiles and open arms.  Later it dwindled down to a very specific few welcoming me home.  Now, today included, I feel as though I've come to a place I've not been before.  There have been a couple of nods of recognition, from people who I used to view as family.  And the kids who would knock me down while jumping into my arms now begrudgingly hug me; perhaps feeling it to be a duty like hugging great-aunt who will pinch unwanting cheeks.   This one time place of peace has become a source of pain.

Perhaps I've outgrown this place as a student moves through grade levels.  But past teachers are usually welcoming to former students.   Perhaps the growth I've experienced these last 18+ months has made this place obsolete. More than anything though, I think perhaps the reason is more likely to be tied to the strained relationship I have with the youth pastors wife when I began thinking for myself.  Everything has changed since then.  They supported me through one 'crisis of faith', doesn't look like another is acceptable.

Could there be an understanding in some that who I love isn't something I can do anything about? Maybe, but this church as a whole condemns who I am.  Knowing the disappointment so many here would feel saddens and hurts me.  People who claim today to love me will walk away when the time comes to stop pretending.  The Jesus I'm learning about through my own study isn't here as much as I once believed.

My heart is in such conflict today.  It is heavy knowing there will be so much loss.  It is hurting because most of these people truly want to serve God and love people, but cause so much damage to the souls of others by preaching that their core self is unworthy of Heaven.  They showed me so much truth!  They opened my mind to accept God as bigger than who the cult taught me He was.  And yet, He isn't big enough to love the homosexuals?  I just don't understand.  

One more time I find myself on the outside looking in.  Once more, I am the outcast.