As an abuse survivor, being hurt and betrayed by people in trusted positions has been a fact of life. Those whom I believed worthy of trust took advantage of or abused it. Those who genuinely tried to help I pushed away believing the desire had to stem from selfish desire and when they finally stopped trying, I felt rejection or abandonment.
Childhood sexual abuse and rape has a way of warping ones view on others. I had 2 positions, fully trust or fully don't. Most people fell in the don't category whether deserved or not. Out of the handful in the do category, most should never have been there. Eventually I came to believe no one was safe, though I was desperate for some type of love in my life.
I tried my hand at relationships a time or three... the first was a disaster: though at the time, I was blinded by what I believed was love and never would have admitted it. She was skilled in the art of manipulated and used it frequency to convince me all the problems in our relationship were due to my dysfunction. I was a really messed up young adult and true to my upbring accepted responsibility and let myself be tormented by believing I was the sole cause for the problems in our relationship. The fact that she looked at 'conquering' me as a game and then had no idea what to do with me after she succeeded couldn't have factored in at all. The fact that she had at least one other woman on the side (a fact I was completely blind to) couldn't have been part of the problem. And the fact that everything had to revolve around her and her convince couldn't possibly have contributed!
The second was really good, until I let others tell me what I should and shouldn't be. She was very good to me on the whole. But I chose family and forced faith over her love, wounding us both. Fortunately, she's an amazing person and we have maintained a level of friendship despite my actions.
The third, well, I'm not even sure there's a classification for it. I'm still not quite sure what to think about beings dumped by the third for the first! Yes, she left me for my first girlfriend. Silly me to think they'd just be good friends.
Friendships and relationships served only to create more hurt. So what do you do when everyone in your life lets you down? I decided to put all my efforts into a worthless task ... I focused all my time and energy into trying to become straight.
To be continued ....
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