A New Beginning

Eventually, a letter to my family.

     I don't know where to start.  I've tried for years to live my life in a way that doesn't disappoint those I love.  Over and over, I've tried to be the person I'm expected to be.  The more I live my life for others, however, the more depressed and unhappy I've become.
     I've prayed for thirty years asking God to make me "they way I'm supposed to be".  I've begged Him for "healing".  I shut down a part of my heart so I can lie to myself and pretend to be like everyone else.  I just can't do it anymore.
     Since moving to Columbus, I've realized many important things.  By far, the biggest is how much God loves me.  The reality of that love is amazing.  And as I continue to grasp the depth of it, I find myself losing some self-loathing!    I can't "love others as I love myself" or "love others as Jesus first loved me" and maintain that intense hatred.
     Another thing I've noticed is how little communication there has been with me and my family.  It's really hard to have real conversations when a big part of myself must remain hidden.  Backing away probably ins't the best solution, but I really hate lying to those I love.  How do you answer the question "what's been going on in your life" when you know the honest answer won't be accepted?
     I've also realized how badly I want a family of my own.  Six of my siblings are married and have kids.  Another is getting married in a few short months.  How I long for what they have found!  My heart desires someone to spend the rest of my life with.  How sad it makes me knowing my family will not be happy for me when that happens.  How badly it hurts knowing they won't be excited at the idea of my marrying, but will more than likely walk away, again.  Should my foster to adoption application be accepted, how do I explain to my kids why they don't get to spend time with their grandparents, uncles and aunts?
     I can not continue to hide behind a lie of omission any cut myself in two anymore.  I can pretend no longer to not hear the cries of my heart for that love of a lifetime.  And I can no longer pretend that love will be a man.

Abuse of Sexuality

*I originally wrote this under my alter-ego, but have decided to move it over here.*

          I got the opportunity to chat with Tina Anderson and Christina Heuer today and one of the many things we talked about was sexual abuse within the cult.  We talked about being silenced after trying to tell someone about the abuse and the fears that nag at the back of your mind as an adult.  We talked about how difficult it is to find people who understand the dynamic of being an abuse victim in the cult and being glad for those people who can’t understand.   As always, it got me to thinking…

Though the sexual abuse of children runs rampant throughout the IFB, something that came to mind is how most girls growing up in such an atmosphere end up with sexual dysfunction of some kind whether they were molested/raped or not.  Many of the post-traumatic stress symptoms overlap.   While talking, Mandy commented that though not all of us have been abused sexually, almost all of us have had our sexuality abused.  Through constant lectures about modesty, being forced to take responsibility for ‘keeping men’s thoughts pure’, putting up with ridicule if boys or men took ‘inappropriate interest’ in us, taught to believe that any kind of sexual interest was from the ‘pit of hell’ and so on, cast such a poor light on the image of the female body many women developed an extreme fear of men and sex.  For some, the fear is so overwhelming that even though the ideal dream was to grow up, get married to an up and coming preacher boy and raise a house full of children, the thought of ‘giving one’s body’ to her spouse was as disgusting to her as it was to sexual abuse and rape victims.

Being a survivor of sexual abuse is devastating.  On the outside however, when we start to share our stories there is validation, help and support.  People empathize with our pain, join us in our anger and encourage us in our quest for healing.  But what about all those who have had sexuality abused without having been abused sexually?  How many women carry around these deep wounds and believe it’s not important enough to talk about or seek help for?  And how many people, aside from IFB survivors are able to understand the dynamic behind the lies women have believed for so long?

Since Christina and I met, she has shared with me her fear of men and the panic she experienced every time she would consider getting married and having children.  She wants a family, but can’t get past a nagging belief that submitting to a husband would set her up for spousal rape.  Submission to the husband is set up as a type of submission to God.  I heard many sermons on the subject growing up.  From the moment we were old enough to understand, we were conditioned to blindly accept the fact that once married, the head of the household’s word was law.  So to refuse to sexually satisfy him would be to refuse a command from God. 

Survivors all across the country are breaking free from the religious aspects of the cult and finding tremendous freedoms!  But how many, though free from legalism and spiritual abuse, are still trapped because of the lies about sexuality?  It’s not an easy subject do discuss.  Even after gaining a solid understanding that so much of what we were taught was a pack of lies, discussing any type of sexual dysfunction usually brings with it shame, guilt and fear.

About a year ago, Jocelyn started calling the IFB a sex trafficking ring.  The way pedophiles are protected and shuttled from one place to another to avoid discovery and “damage the cause of Christ”, she’s absolutely right.  But I’ve come to believe it goes much deeper.  The destruction of women’s sexuality not only opens children up for abuse, but women and wives as well.  By abusing an individual’s sexuality, she is being groomed for sexual abuse; as silenced child or as a submissive wife.  

Too Abused?

I've been thinking a lot about the events that took place a couple of weeks ago causing me to ask the following questions:  Can a person be so abused he/she is unable to move past it, and  is it possible that faith and trust have been so shattered they can't be put back together?

So I guess this post ends in more questions.  How do we begin to recognize the damage we've caused to others?  How do we not vilify the ones who have damaged us in the struggle for freedom? And how do we begin to pick up the pieces of shattered trust, rebuild and be willing to risk that pain again?

I've seen, been told and experienced some terrible things.  Having been created differently, none of us react to such trauma the same way.  There are those who seem to bound through life unscathed by the abuse that was suffered.  There are others however, who aren't so lucky.  They learn how to put on happy face masks, say the right things and appear to function well; but what deep and infected wounds are being hidden?  Out of an overwhelming desire to be whole, how many people are there who are feeding off the life-blood of others till there is nothing left for either person?  And how often does the one doing the draining feel abandoned or betrayed by the one with nothing left to give?

As survivors of cult abuse, just getting out was a bloody battle that takes a long time to heal from.  Often times, the fresh wounds get cleaned and bandaged, but the older ones, the ones that appear healed, are left untreated to fester and rot from the inside.  Through systematic abuse, we have been desensitized to those gangrenous limbs as taking care of them might be considered selfish, prideful, untrusting in God, or a result of sin and therefore deserved.  Changing that method of thinking takes years, if not ones lifetime!

So is it possible for good people to do really bad things without even knowing it?  I believe the answer is yes.  Wounded hearts can be some of the most passionate!  That passion gives one a sense of worth, something to fight for, something to believe in again.  Unfortunately, it can also leave a blind eye to the wake of destruction and pain in their path.  It's not nearly as hard to take a person out of a cult as it is to take the cult out of the person.  Reprogramming instinct is hard! 

I guess this post boils down to more questions.  How do we recognize the destruction we've done to others?  How do we not vilify those who have wounded us in their struggle for freedom? And how to we pick up the pieces of that shattered trust, rebuild and be willing to hand it over again?

Now What?

It's been a week since the latest round of drama has unfolded.  My fb message box has many messages, texts come in at all hours of the day and my phone rings often from people wanting the newest and most up to date info on this awful situation.   I wish I knew what to say.

My heart aches, not only because I've lost people I valued as friends, but because so many have been wounded through calculated acts of another.  I've been told by the one who received the release it was told to him that the document came from someone other than me.  All I can do is shake my head in disbelief! I know with whom I shared that draft,  and each knew beyond doubt it was from me.  The fact that this piece of paper has been used to slander someone I care about wounds me more than the accusations the slandered person is making.

How can people be so willfully cruel?  Why would someone knowingly pervert a document when it's true purpose would eventually be found out?  I can't wrap my brain around it; I just can't.  And still, it's being told to me 'I knew the source of the slander and did nothing'.  This is surreal.

I've been called a fraud by one I loved as a friend, a backstabber by those who protect her as I once did and a patsy by those who "knew" I would eventually be betrayed.  I feel a bit like Jake Sully...  but I have no fierce winged creature to tame,  fly in on, regain my respect and save the day by exposing the true enemy.  So, now what? 

I have cried so many tears my eyes are dry and burning.  I have tried to share the truth to no avail.  I am left to follow a course of action that cannot provide a winning outcome, even if, in the end my name is vindicated.  I simply can not see past the damage this is going to do to a cause I so vehemently believe in.  What happened to the "I will come to you if there should be a problem between us"?  Though you can take a leader out of a cult, maybe you really can't get the cult out of the leader. 

I shut out several of my friends these past few days out of fear of losing more, being rewounded each time I was told I'm no longer trustworthy, isolating myself in the deep places of my mind.  I must begin to make my way out of safety of my hiding place.  I must again find the courage to speak out for those who are not yet able. Though I am now seen as an enemy, I must find away to come along side my former friend and fight for the freedom so many deserve; even if that means standing behind the gate, arrows at the ready.

Take them down my friend, I still have your back...  but this time I know you don't have mine.

Betrayal, Pt 2

My head is swimming.  So many people, some I haven't talked to in several months, have been sending messages of support, texting and calling since this mess began.  Thanks to you all, I appreciate your willingness to stand behind me!

I'm still so blown away by all this.  It amazes me, though I'm not sure why, how quickly people can go from friends to enemies.  After being asked for documentation to disprove some of the slander being spread,  I started reading back on some fb messages we'd sent back and forth.  I haven't kept everything, though in retrospect I wish I had, but the conversations were always kind and supportive.  It's hard to see so much lost because someone, (I wish I knew who) decided to be so malicious.  To twist something around to hurt another on purpose is simply beyond my comprehension.  I just don't think that way!  Perhaps that's why, despite prompting by some, I can't bring myself to denounce her.  I have no choice about what may happen legally; I'm being counseled to prepare for the worst fight of my life.  However, I can't help but wonder how things might be different had she chosen not to close the door of communication.   Rather than share some concerns she was having with me to me, she went to a private group of others.  I wonder how much of this disaster could have been diverted had there been honesty rather than secrecy.

She is someone I respect.  Yes, I said that in present tense.  Had I thought for one microsecond asking for help with my release (and yes, I have proof of that asking) could have done the damage I'm being told it caused, I would not have.  But I'll say again, I don't think that way!   She has given up a lot to fight for others.  Whether her motives are for the children or not, think of the countless hours one would need to invest to have accomplished so much.  Regardless of motive, that alone deserves respect!  Would this have caught the public eye without her endless toil?  My guess is probably not.

It's difficult to relinquish all hope of regaining someone I valued as a friend.  This cult has destroyed so much already.  But there is no way to recover from such deviation, for either of us.  Both reputations will bear these scars forever.  But always in my prayers I will be saying "take them down, my friend, take them down"!

Betrayal

Never in my wildest imagination would I have believed I'd be writing such a post.  I can barely see through the stream of tears.

A little over a year ago, someone I considered a friend, asked in a public group on facebook if anyone was willing to put a book together of survivor stories.  Having done some writing in the past, I said I'd do it.  So I contacted some people who said they'd be willing to share and then combed the internet for a release form for the stories.  I found one that mostly fit, but needed some revising and sent it to those people I'd contacted asking for help with making it work.

A couple people responded, saying they decided against contributing because the release was worded in such a way that their rights to their own stories would be taken away.  So I went back and did some more revisions.  Eventually, due to the lack of responses and my returning to full time work, I tabled the project.

Two days ago, a copy of the release surfaced.  I'd forgotten about it honestly. A friend called to tell me what was going on and I immediately posted in defense of the 'friend' being slandered.  The release was being twisted to pervert truth and hurt her.

Well, instead of coming to me, as she promised she would if there was an issue between us, she started making accusation after accusation and banning anyone who would try to correct her.  Heaven forbid SHE be wrong.

So now, I'm being accused of fraud because I named where I wanted some of the proceeds to go.  Is anyone bothering to actually read the stupid release?  I don't think so, because it's not hard to put it and what I've said together.  Except for those looking for things to use against her, it's a bit over the top to think it was anything but a draft of a release!

I suppose the best thing is to let y'all decide for yourselves.   One is the link to the blog that contains a copy of the release and the other is the group I've been banned from. Look for Melissa Topia's comments yesterday around 9PM.  Are those claims valid, really?

http://jocsapeckadilloes.blogspot.com/2012/08/its-not-for-children-its-for-cah.html?m=1

 
http://m.facebook.com/home.php?refid=8&_rdr#!/groups/35429320847?ref=bookmark&__user=100001242353225

Outcast

It's Sunday morning and I'm able to be at my church for the first time in several months.  Driving isn't all that conducive to regular attendance. 

The first few times I was able to be here since starting my job, I was welcomed with smiles and open arms.  Later it dwindled down to a very specific few welcoming me home.  Now, today included, I feel as though I've come to a place I've not been before.  There have been a couple of nods of recognition, from people who I used to view as family.  And the kids who would knock me down while jumping into my arms now begrudgingly hug me; perhaps feeling it to be a duty like hugging great-aunt who will pinch unwanting cheeks.   This one time place of peace has become a source of pain.

Perhaps I've outgrown this place as a student moves through grade levels.  But past teachers are usually welcoming to former students.   Perhaps the growth I've experienced these last 18+ months has made this place obsolete. More than anything though, I think perhaps the reason is more likely to be tied to the strained relationship I have with the youth pastors wife when I began thinking for myself.  Everything has changed since then.  They supported me through one 'crisis of faith', doesn't look like another is acceptable.

Could there be an understanding in some that who I love isn't something I can do anything about? Maybe, but this church as a whole condemns who I am.  Knowing the disappointment so many here would feel saddens and hurts me.  People who claim today to love me will walk away when the time comes to stop pretending.  The Jesus I'm learning about through my own study isn't here as much as I once believed.

My heart is in such conflict today.  It is heavy knowing there will be so much loss.  It is hurting because most of these people truly want to serve God and love people, but cause so much damage to the souls of others by preaching that their core self is unworthy of Heaven.  They showed me so much truth!  They opened my mind to accept God as bigger than who the cult taught me He was.  And yet, He isn't big enough to love the homosexuals?  I just don't understand.  

One more time I find myself on the outside looking in.  Once more, I am the outcast.