Grieving

As I think back on the day, I find myself thinking about some of the things I've lost over the years.  Some of those things are what would be considered normal; the passing of loved ones, friendships growing apart etc.  Some are found in dreams not realized, paths not taken and results from every day decision making.  Some however, are found in circumstances entirely beyond our control, and these keep rolling through my mind.

I suppose the reminiscing started the couple of months before last weeks surgery.  The realization that I will not have children of my own has been a grieving process in and of itself, but opened the gates to other never's in my life.

The pains of my abusive childhood robbed me of many things as a young adult, and probably still does to some extent.  I was too afraid of people to experience 'puppy love' in junior high and high school.  Looking back, I think missing out on teen romances hindered my ability to form more lasting relationships as I got older.  I never developed the skills.  The foundation usually built during that age escaped me, and I didn't learn tools like give and take, conflict resolution and mending a broken heart until, well, the last few years.  Many people, through 'normal relationship comings and goings' wounded me deeply; and I am sure I've wounded others by my overreaction to the losses and perceived abandonment.

My childhood stole my innocence and carefree spirit, and created a perfectionistic, demanding adult.  Many of the people in my life have been hurt by my inability to bend and belief that my way was the only way.  (Thank God for grace, and bringing people into my life to teach me otherwise)  What it cost in lost relationships due to my unwillingness to relinquish control I may never know.  Perhaps my "home, husband, 2.3 children and dog" were among those I drove away out of fear.

Another of the many things I lost as a victim of abuse was my ability to trust those around me.  I lived in a 'take it or leave it' environment.  My mom's side of the family has, for the most part, left it.  My harsh attitudes and fear made it difficult for those in my life at that time to get inside the walls I'd built for self protection, and eventually, most of them stopped trying.  I am the oldest of 11 siblings:  I interact with 5 and have a real relationship with only 1.  My mother and aunts are more acquaintances than family.  My uncles, and the majority of my extended family have written me off.  Their reasoning... most likely due to the 'unpardonable sin' of having girlfriends rather than boyfriends as an adult.

It's difficult knowing the actions of others in my life has created so much loss.  Not getting to watch 12 (so far) of my nieces and nephews grow up, missing out on the lives of my siblings, knowing I'll not have a child of my own:  these are painful indeed.  For so many years I put on an "I don't care, it's their loss" attitude and locked away the grief.  But I'm realizing these last several weeks that looking at the pain and admitting it exists is not weakness.  Letting down my guard and crying with people I know I can trust does not mean I'm not strong.  I'm finding by letting the poison of the past go and giving my heart time to heal creates more room to love those who are in my life.