After so much hurt, there is a tendency to become numb and surviving life be becomes easier than trying to thrive. My heart was surrounded by more scar tissue than every physical wound put together. What few dreams I had in life had fallen by the wayside.
So what happens when you meet someone, or a small handful of people who begin to challenge the preconceived opinion of relationship and human nature? I find myself in this quandary in more ways than one as of late. Opportunities for friendships, lasting friendships are beginning to open and I'm terrified! The loneliness deep inside is crying out, begging the others to step out again and take a chance. The child wants to run as fast and as far away as possible! What little rationality I have is trying to draw the other 2 together for compromise. I've grown a lot over these last 18 months or so. But have I grasped the concept of relationship, regardless of its form, enough to take such a leap?
My need (yes I must confess to having needs) for human interaction hasn't waned despite my greatest effort do deny it existence. To have a small group if intimate friendships is becoming strangely attractive and such wants are terrifying! I am learning, however, God created us for relationship; with Him and others.
My once narrow views on people and their motives has expanded this last year and a half, but has it expanded enough to take such a leap into a potentially lethal situation? Have I grown past enough of my past and my negative expectations to attempt again, creating that which has been the cause of so much fear and pain? Am I capable of getting into this without feeling the need to conform to my belief of what might be expected of me?
I think it's high time I start trying to see some value and worth in myself. There are a few things I am good at after all. So the decision is made... I'm gonna pull myself out of the muck by my bootstraps, dust off and move on.
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