I've spent the last 10 years of my life trying anything and everything to 'free myself' from the 'sin of being gay'. I went to ex-gay ministries and Bible studies, I turned my journal into a prayer book and poured out my heart to God, I listened to teachings and read lots of books on leaving the lifestyle and I hid myself away from anyone who might be a temptation. I got very involved in my church and for awhile, believed I had been fixed. I really wanted to be! I wanted to be a person my family, church and God could love.
Then, last year, I started gaining an understanding of how damaged I was, not only from the physical and sexual assaults, but from religious and spiritual abuse as well. Though I walked away from my extreme fundamental 'church' years ago, much of those core beliefs were still deeply embedded my soul. My need to change my sexual orientation pouring from a desire to have some kind of relationship with my family and God; my self-hatred coming from a belief that I was broken and displeasing to my family and God, a belief I could never truly be loved because I hadn't maintained my virginity and that no man would want me because of my past involvement with women are just a few.
Last spring, I joined a couple Facebook groups geared toward cult abuse and was overwhelmed by the number of people who shared similar experiences! I was equally surprised at the number of LGTB sharing stories, speaking out against the hate and believing in God. I grew up believing being gay and loving God were mutually exclusive. So many old hurts flooded back to the surface. I knew if I reopened the door to my sexuality, I risked losing what few family members and friends I had left. After all, I've been playing it straight for several years. But the God I was being exposed to in these groups is totally different from the god I grew up with. The more time I spent trying to get to know this God who wasn't pacing back and forth in Heaven waiting for me to screw up so he could send me to Hell, the more I wanted to know.
I feel like I'm on a brand new spiritual journey and I'm actually enjoying the walk! Realizing I am who God made me to be is powerful. Though lots of road is still ahead, realizing I can be gay and not lose God has been a freeing experience. I no longer want to die when the normal for me desires surface. I don't feel the need to go running to my Pastor either, to join me in my fight to 'stay heterosexual'.
I have no idea what the future holds, but I know I'm done trying to change in an effort to keep receiving love from others. No amount of change, real or attempted will be enough for some. When this blog is discovered or they realize on their own I'm done with the facade, my best friend and the little family I have left will probably walk away. Prayerfully, I will be strong enough in my new relationship with God to let Him guide me through that storm.
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