Fundamentalism and Growing Up LGTB

This is quite a difficult topic for me.  At times, I still struggle with the shame and self-loathing I allowed to be put on me from the years of spiritual manipulation and abuse I grew up with.  It is not easy to relearn Biblical truths.  So many things I believed with every fiber of my being have been called into question as I walk this path of spiritual healing.  Sorting through all the lies is not a job for the weak.

I knew early in junior high something made me different from other kids.  For a few years, I believed it was because of the sexual abuses and assaults I'd experienced.  I got a quick glance at it during the summer between my junior and senior years when I was accused of being lesbian by a few kids I was in an orchestra with.  It was easy enough to dismiss as I had no interest in romantic relationships of any kind in my teens.  Some of the disinterest stemmed from abuse, some from the hundreds of purity sermons I heard from the pulpit.

I wonder if any child can grow up with any kind of normalcy while in the clutches of extreme fundamentalism.  Our sexuality is abused right from the start while hearing how wicked 'the flesh and its desires' are.  Females are bullied into accepting responsibility for the lustful thoughts of men if we don't dress to their standards or properly satisfy their needs.  Men are taught women exist for them, sexually and otherwise causing a continuation of the abuse of authority.   And those of us who are LGTB grow up believing our existence is a sin.  This abuse of sexuality is as damaging as sexual abuse.

Hatred for myself ran deep.  Not only had I failed in my responsibilities to keep men from lust 'causing' the sexual abuse, I was a failure in Gods eyes for being gay.  I was the representation of all He hated.

In my early 20's, I got involved with my first girlfriend.   My family, and my church went ballistic.   They had meetings about how to shun me, and they probably would have then had my girlfriend not broken up with me.  So to please my fundy family, I tried to fix myself and pray away the gay.  I was devistated when it didn't work. But like a 'good Baptist girl', I blamed myself for having pissed God off and becoming unworthy of healing.

For the last 20 years I've been fighting the can I make myself straight battle.  I love God!  I love the Bible.  And if wanting to change and prayer were enough, I would be straight.  But, I'm not.  I'm just not.

...to be continued