Baby Steps

Building new relationships is hard for me.  I have a knack for one of two things:  I either completely give my trust, usually to the wrong people, or I test the waters so much that I drain people.  Neither lead to lasting friendships!

Since starting my newest job, I've met a few people I wouldn't mind adding to the short list of people I call friends.  I see qualities in them that peek my interest and and have pushed me out of my comfort zone enough to strike up conversations to get better impressions and assess the risk factor.  So far, so good.

The down side to this is that I find myself playing through a myriad of what if scenarios, usually ending badly in my mind.  I aslo see myself trying to mold myself into my perception of the type of person he/she might like just a little better than who I believe I am.  It's strange, I know since until the possibility of friendship arose, I had no reason to be anything but myself.  And since the invitation of friendship has been offered to me while being me, I shouldn't feel a need to change.

Unfortunately, that has been my pattern in the past.  Not believing myself good enough, I pretend to be what I think is.  Keeping up a facade takes a lot of work and usually ends up destroying the relationship I was trying to build.  And since most all my friendships have failed, for the above stated reasons as well as others, I find myself wanting to to completely change the building blocks.

Where to start!?  I'm not sure I have a clue.  I do know that insanity is repeating something over and over again, expecting different results and I'm tired of circling that mountain.  To get different results, I need to try a different approach.  The first step... just being me!   Old patterns aren't easy to change, but I find being myself isn't as exhausting as playing me is.  Hiding my fears, weaknesses and flaws takes a lot of energy!  Exposing them isn't a barrel of laughs, but so far it's easier than pretending they don't exist.  Admitting fear has always carried with it the stigma of weakness.  I'm starting though, to believe it takes more courage to be real!

It's gonna be interesting to see where each of these baby steps leads.

Dusting Off pt 2

After so much hurt, there is a tendency to become numb and surviving life be becomes easier than trying to thrive.   My heart was surrounded by more scar tissue than every physical wound put together.  What few dreams I had in life had fallen by the wayside.

So what happens when you meet someone, or a small handful of people who begin to challenge the preconceived opinion of relationship and human nature?  I find myself in this quandary in more ways than one as of late.  Opportunities for friendships,  lasting friendships are beginning to open and I'm terrified! The loneliness deep inside is crying out, begging the others to step out again and take a chance.  The child wants to run as fast and as far away as possible! What little rationality I have is trying to draw the other 2 together for compromise.   I've grown a lot over these last 18 months or so.  But have I grasped the concept of relationship, regardless of its form, enough to take such a leap? 

My need (yes I must confess to having needs) for human interaction hasn't waned despite my greatest effort do deny it existence.   To have a small group if intimate friendships is becoming strangely attractive and such wants are terrifying!  I am learning, however, God created us for relationship; with Him and others.

My once narrow views on people and their motives has expanded this last year and a half, but has it expanded enough to take such a leap into a potentially lethal situation? Have I grown past enough of my past and my negative expectations to attempt again, creating that which has been the cause of so much fear and pain?  Am I capable of getting into this without feeling the need to conform to my belief of what might be expected of me?

I think it's high time I start trying to see some value and worth in myself.  There are a few things I am good at after all.  So the decision is made...  I'm gonna pull myself out of the muck by my bootstraps, dust off and move on.

Dusting Off and Moving On

As an abuse survivor, being hurt and betrayed by people in trusted positions has been a fact of life.   Those whom I believed worthy of trust took advantage of or abused it.  Those who genuinely tried to help I pushed away believing the desire had to stem from selfish desire and when they finally stopped trying, I felt rejection or abandonment.  

Childhood sexual abuse and rape has a way of warping ones view on others.   I had 2 positions, fully trust or fully don't.   Most people fell in the don't category whether deserved or not.  Out of the handful in the do category, most should never have been there. Eventually I came to believe no one was safe, though I was desperate for some type of love in my life.

I tried my hand at relationships a time or three...  the first was a disaster:  though at the time, I was blinded by what I believed was love and never would have admitted it.  She was skilled in the art of manipulated and used it frequency to convince me all the problems in our relationship were due to my dysfunction.  I was a really messed up young adult and true to my upbring accepted responsibility and let myself be tormented by believing I was the sole cause for the problems in our relationship.   The fact that she looked at 'conquering' me as a game and then had no idea what to do with me after she succeeded couldn't have factored in at all.  The fact that she had at least one other woman on the side (a fact I was completely blind to) couldn't have been part of the problem.  And the fact that everything had to revolve around her and her convince couldn't possibly have contributed!

The second was really good, until I let others tell me what I should and shouldn't be.  She was very good to me on the whole.  But I chose family and forced faith over her love, wounding us both.  Fortunately, she's an amazing person and we have maintained a level of friendship despite my actions.  

The third, well, I'm not even sure there's a classification for it.  I'm still not quite sure what to think about beings dumped by the third for the first!  Yes, she left me for my first girlfriend.   Silly me to think they'd just be good friends.

Friendships and relationships served only to create more hurt. So what do you do when everyone in your life lets you down?  I decided to put all my efforts into a worthless task ... I focused all my time and energy into trying to become straight.

To be continued ....

I'm A Person First

Why is it when someone finds out about the sexual orientation of another, being gay becomes his/her identity? I Don't understand the need to say 'this is my friend who is gay'.  That's as nuts as introducing someone as a straight friend?  Why are people so hung up on what goes on in the bedroom of certain people?  Perhaps such a fantasy is the most excitement he/she is getting?

When asked to described myself, I usually say things like this:  I'm a penny pincher, I try to be kind to people, I try to meet the needs of others, I do my best to be honest and upfront, I enjoy the water and most everything to do with water, I have blue eyes, I'm a very loyal person and a few other things along that line.  I'm not sure I've ever started a conversion by announcing my sexual preferences.

How many people do you walk up to and ask 'by the way, are you straight?'  If you're anything like me the answer is probably none.  So why the need to ask 'are you gay'?

So here it is:  I'm Melanie; a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a grandchild, a friend, an American, an Ohioan and a facebook addict.  I believe in God, do my best to love like Jesus and enjoy going to church when I get the chance.

It is written... Or is it?

Like most good fundies, I grew up believing just about everything I was fed from the pulpit.   This included homosexuality of course.   Murder was looked on with kinder eyes!

For the last year and a half, I've been trying to draw my own conclusions about what the Bible says rather than what I have always been told it says.  It hasn't been as easy as I originally thought.  It's difficult to put aside the things my mind thinks it already knows.  But by shutting off my preconceived beliefs, I've allowed my heart to ponder Gods book and am amazed at some of the things I see differently.

One example would be the story of the prodigal son.  Yes, it is a great picture of how God loves and forgives us over and over for demanding our independence then running back when things don't go as we'd planned.  But, even more, it's a story about doing the right things for the wrong reasons.  How many sermons have been preached about the attitude of the older brother?  The lessons that can be learned from him are just as important; perhaps even more so.  God takes attitude just as seriously as obedience.

Another example we couls look at would be the many verses about loving your neighbor as yourself.  From everything I've read, we are to be as kind, loving and patient with ourselves as with others. The sermons I grew up hearing called any such type of attention to self sinful and selfish.  One can also ask who is being referred to as the neighbor.  Again, I believe it's a much broader group than I was taught.

Now we come to the 'gay' issue.  Does the Bible discuss homosexuality?  The answer is yes!  But what exactly is it referring to?  This is the real debate.  Do those few passages all homophobics use  refer to a lifestyle, or an act?  The more I research on my own, the more I believe the latter to be true.  If the men who gathered at Lot's home were gay, why did he offer his daughters (which makes me sick on so many levels) to them.  I believe the group's goal was power, not sex and that's called rape!  It makes sense to me that God would command a heterosexual man not to have sexual encounters with another man.  If he is not gay, then his only reason for it would be as rape. Romans seems to be referring to a group of people engaging in sexual activity so whether they were gay or straight it was wrong.  The passage in 1 Corinthians doesn't use the term homosexual in the KJV, which many of the extremist fundamentalist groups use. And if I have my Jewish history right,  the Levitical Law was written for the tribe of preists, the Levites!  God demanded a higher standard of living for them.

So what can we really take away from those few verses without changing the context?   I didn't see 'God hates gays' stated there.  Nor did I read anything about repudiating 2 people coming together who love each other.  I still have a lot to study, but I believe I can say with relative certainty God loves us all and has commanded us to love our neighbor!

Will and Erwynn. Awesome

The article says it all!

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/the_wedding/2012/07/erwynn_umali_and_will_behrens_the_first_gay_wedding_on_a_military_base_.html

Losing Family

Many members of my extended family chose to separate from me when I first came out as gay in the early '90s.  The large majority of members in the 'church' I grew up in were related in some way as the church was built on my great grandparents farm.  It didn't take long for that kind of gossip to spread and to realize how unwelcome I was.

Let me pause for just a second and clarify a quick point.  Much of the time, when I talk about my family in general terms, I am referring to my mothers side.  I cut off contact with my dad and his side of my family for many years because of the abuse.  Though I currently have interaction with them now, it will more than likely cease when my recent decision to stop pretending is made more public. 

Though I was the apple of my grandmothers eye, I never won any type of approval from her husband.  My existence reminded him daily of my Mom's imperfections and he let me know it.  When I got involved with my first girlfriend, it only made a bad relationship worse.

My uncles didn't show much interest in me while growing up, but were ready, willing and able to join in my grandfathers dislike of me when I refused to let my grandfather berate my youngest brothers.  I admit, I wasn't nice about it!  My coming out only solidified their justification in attitude and one of them has not spoken to me since.  The other had to tolerate me because of my relationship with his wife.

The one comfort I took throughout the years of various relations deciding to shun me was the promise never to walk away by my aunt by marriage.  She and I became close after I disclosed the abuse by my father, and she was the only family member I confided in about the other assaults I'd gone through.  As I reached adulthood, our aunt/niece relationship became more like close friends and she began confiding in me as well.  She was the thread that linked me to my family.

That thread however, began to fray about a year or so ago.  The story surrounding it is too long and detailed to explain in this post.  Losing her has left a hole whose pain is only rivaled by the passing of a cousin and my grandma. Fundamentalism won its final victory over me.  Though my heart still bitterly mourns the loss, there is nothing of value left for it to rip from me.  There is nothing and no one left for it to use to manipulate me back into its clutches.  A high price to pay to be sure, but freedom is worth it!

Fundamentalism and LGTB - pt 2

I've spent the last 10 years of my life trying anything and everything to 'free myself' from the 'sin of being gay'. I went to ex-gay ministries and Bible studies, I turned my journal into a prayer book and poured out my heart to God, I listened to teachings and read lots of books on leaving the lifestyle and I hid myself away from anyone who might be a temptation. I got very involved in my church and for awhile, believed I had been fixed.  I really wanted to be!  I wanted to be a person my family, church and God could love.

Then, last year, I started gaining an understanding of how damaged I was, not only from the physical and sexual assaults,  but from religious and spiritual abuse as well.  Though I walked away from my extreme fundamental 'church' years ago, much of those core beliefs were still deeply embedded my soul.  My need to change my sexual orientation pouring from a desire to have some kind of relationship with my family and God; my self-hatred coming from a belief that I was broken and displeasing to my family and God, a belief I could never truly be loved because I hadn't maintained my virginity and that no man would want me because of my past involvement with women are just a few.

Last spring, I joined a couple Facebook groups geared toward cult abuse and was overwhelmed by the number of people who shared similar experiences!  I was equally surprised at the number of LGTB sharing stories, speaking out against the hate and believing in God.  I grew up believing being gay and loving God were mutually exclusive.   So many old hurts flooded back to the surface.   I knew if I reopened the door to my sexuality, I risked losing what few family members and friends I had left.  After all, I've been playing it straight for several years.  But the God I was being exposed to in these groups is totally different from the  god I grew up with.  The more time I spent trying to get to know this God who wasn't pacing back and forth in Heaven waiting for me to screw up so he could send me to Hell, the more I wanted to know.

I feel like I'm on a brand new spiritual journey and I'm actually enjoying the walk!  Realizing I am who God made me to be is powerful.   Though lots of road is still ahead, realizing I can be gay and not lose God has been a freeing experience.   I no longer want to die when the normal for me desires surface.   I don't feel the need to go running to my Pastor either, to join me in my fight to 'stay heterosexual'.

I have no idea what the future holds, but I know I'm done trying to change in an effort to keep receiving love from others.  No amount of change, real or attempted will be enough for some.    When this blog is discovered or they realize on their own I'm done with the facade, my best friend and the little family I have left will probably walk away.  Prayerfully, I will be strong enough in my new relationship with God to let Him guide me through that storm.

Fundamentalism and Growing Up LGTB

This is quite a difficult topic for me.  At times, I still struggle with the shame and self-loathing I allowed to be put on me from the years of spiritual manipulation and abuse I grew up with.  It is not easy to relearn Biblical truths.  So many things I believed with every fiber of my being have been called into question as I walk this path of spiritual healing.  Sorting through all the lies is not a job for the weak.

I knew early in junior high something made me different from other kids.  For a few years, I believed it was because of the sexual abuses and assaults I'd experienced.  I got a quick glance at it during the summer between my junior and senior years when I was accused of being lesbian by a few kids I was in an orchestra with.  It was easy enough to dismiss as I had no interest in romantic relationships of any kind in my teens.  Some of the disinterest stemmed from abuse, some from the hundreds of purity sermons I heard from the pulpit.

I wonder if any child can grow up with any kind of normalcy while in the clutches of extreme fundamentalism.  Our sexuality is abused right from the start while hearing how wicked 'the flesh and its desires' are.  Females are bullied into accepting responsibility for the lustful thoughts of men if we don't dress to their standards or properly satisfy their needs.  Men are taught women exist for them, sexually and otherwise causing a continuation of the abuse of authority.   And those of us who are LGTB grow up believing our existence is a sin.  This abuse of sexuality is as damaging as sexual abuse.

Hatred for myself ran deep.  Not only had I failed in my responsibilities to keep men from lust 'causing' the sexual abuse, I was a failure in Gods eyes for being gay.  I was the representation of all He hated.

In my early 20's, I got involved with my first girlfriend.   My family, and my church went ballistic.   They had meetings about how to shun me, and they probably would have then had my girlfriend not broken up with me.  So to please my fundy family, I tried to fix myself and pray away the gay.  I was devistated when it didn't work. But like a 'good Baptist girl', I blamed myself for having pissed God off and becoming unworthy of healing.

For the last 20 years I've been fighting the can I make myself straight battle.  I love God!  I love the Bible.  And if wanting to change and prayer were enough, I would be straight.  But, I'm not.  I'm just not.

...to be continued

“Love your neighbor as you love yourself”? 

From as far back as I can remember, "love your neighbor as yourself" has been resounding through fundamentalist churches,  with the major emphasis on 'the neighbor' part.  Being a good Christian, at least on the outside, is very important!  'Show love to the unlovable' I often heard:  'Don't hurt the cause for Christ' by showing any emotions.  'Turn the other cheek and endure persecution for the Lord' was another favorite.   But what does that have to do with the context of these verses?  

Personally, I believe the answer is nothing!  That 'Christian ease' merely covered the fact that the real lesson wasn't to be looked at.

Two very important, symbiotic, themes are present in that simple command.  The most obvious would be to love your neighbor.   That's pretty basic.  Treat others kindly, graciously and respectfully.  If you wouldn't want something to be done to or said about you, don't do it or say it about another.

The second part, however, isn't as clear sometimes.   There seems to be a big hang up on the 'as yourself ' part.  Extreme fundamentalism teaches us to despise everything having to do with self.  Taking time out of a busy day to rest is being lazy.  Wanting some personal time is selfish.  Wanting someone to help with a task is selfish and demanding, and the list goes on.  How in the world are we to have any idea how to be loving to others when taught to hate ourselves?

For those who believe the Bible,  it says we were made in Gods image.  Over and over again it says God is love.  So if God is love and we were made in His image, why such an emphasis on hate?

If God loves us, there must be something in us to love.  If He sees worth and value each person, shouldn't we?  I'm learning the more I accept myself, the more I can accept God's love.  And the more I can accept His love, the easier it is for me to love others. What a simple yet rarely heard concept! 

Learning to love myself hasn't caused me to become self-absorbed and self-centered.  It's actually given me a greater compassion for others.  The kinder I am to myself, the easier a time I have being kind to others.  I don't see others through my distorted, self-loathing point of view. 

How incredible it is to find freedom in truth!

Leviticus 19:18
... Love your neighbor as you love yourself. I am the Lord.

Mark 12:31 NCV
The second command is this: ‘Love your neighbor as you love yourself.’   

Galatians 5:14 NCV
The whole law is made complete in this one command: “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.”  

James 2:8 NCV
This royal law is found in the Scriptures: “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.”  

NOM?

I saw a post today stating that Kirk Cameron is being defamed by his stance on marriage.  Why is that a problem?

I have already stated, I hate religion.  But, I do believe in the Bible and believe it's a good handbook for life.  Families are the backbone of any society.  Values, morals and ethics are passed down from generation to generation, whether conscious or not.  No matter how much we say we're not gonna take after our parents, inevitable some things just rub off.

Unfortunately, we live in a society that views relationships to be as disposable as diapers.  As soon as it gets a little tough, it's time to throw in the towel and start again.  I see this not only with marriage relationships, but with friendships as well.   If you disagree with me, end the relationship; if you hurt my feelings, end the relationship; if you don't want to do things my way, end the relationship.  Our fast food, feel good society has helped create a lazy and selfish generation.  This 'all about me' mentality will only continue to drive people apart.   I agree with much of what I've heard Kirk say, with one major exception.

From what I've read, Kirk comes out strongly against the LGTB community.   That, I cannot let slide without comment.  I have been on both sides, living as a lesbian and trying to force myself to be straight.  People who have never has same sex attraction will more than likely never understand those of us who do.  Being heterosexual comes so naturally to them that nothing else computes.  They're so 'unattracted' to the same sex that the thought may make him/her want to cringe, and you know what?  That's ok.  The line gets crossed however, when that 'want to cringe' feeling turns into an aversion and discrimination.   Something not feeling right for one does not make it wrong for another!   I, and many like me, have that same 'I just want to cringe' feeling when I/we think about being in a heterosexual relationship!   Being attracted to a woman comes naturally for me, and I just can't change it. Believe me, I spent the majority of the last 10 years trying to 'pray away the gay'.  It just doesn't work.

The definition of family needs to be broadened to include the LGTB community, not exclude it.  We are not a mutant group of sex craving perverts.   We do not abuse or molest children because we're gay any more than people abuse and molest children because their straight.  But enough on that soap box, for now.

Kirk,  I personally applaud your effort toward reminding people how important and precious marriage and family are.  I'd like to see more people taking that stance.  But until you sit down with me, or any other Christian person who also happens to be homosexual,  please leave out the hate!

God said, or cult said?

I had the opportunity to go on a cruise last week for vacation.   It was wonderful.   I recommend them for everyone!

While cruising to Mexico, I met people from all over the world.  One person in particular stands out in my mind.  She is from South Africa and wouldn't ya know grew up in a similar extremist religious environment. 

How many religions today say the preach the Word of God and find a way to twist 'The Word' to say what they desire it too?   I'm beginning to think the numbers are much higher than I want to believe.  I wonder then, how much of what was forced down my throat really comes from God's heart?

Too many things have happened in my life to be able to deny God exists.  Those things have also shown me that God is not so hands off as I accused Him of being.   The farther I get from religion, the more I see and learn about God.  For too long I have let others speak in His place.  For too long I let others tell me what I believe.

As I begin reading the Bible again, and not the KJV, I find it says a lot of things that completely contradict the teachings of my youth.   I am enjoying this new realm of discovery and get to see God in different light.   He is the God of love, not some angry tyrant waiting to beat me when I 'step out of line', even a little.  It is not His desire to "break my will" or anyone else's.  It is not His desire that I become a cookie cutter image of other believers.  I love leaning it's ok for me to just be me!

Just because the cult told me 'God says' doesn't mean that God actually said it.  My new quest, to sort out truth from so many lies!