The Unknown

This is the third night now I haven't been able to sleep.  A lot is on my mind I suppose.

I didn't worry about results from the biopsy when I first found out it needed to be done.  The surgery itself kept my mind pretty occupied.  Knowing I would have no control over what was happening to me created enough preoperative fear.

Now though, I find myself searching the internet for websites about uterine cancer, signs and symptoms of it, the different stages of cancer, how the disease might progress,  treatment options and the list goes on.  Though this is not the first time I've experienced this wait, I seem to be experiencing more dread at this point in my life.  I know full well God is in control and that He will see me through each battle.  I have confidence in His plan and don't fear the thought of death.  However, I can't shake the 'you got lucky the first time' feeling.

Control is a difficult issue for me, especially when I don't believe I have any.  So much of my life spun out of control for too many years.  Not knowing what's happening to my own body is a frightening thing.  Experiencing side effects to a 'simple surgery' performed almost a week ago has my mind playing the what if game.  What if the reason I feel more pain is because something really is wrong with me?  What if something happened during the surgery I don't know about?  What if the biopsy comes back malignant?  What if I need to have another surgery?  What happens with my job?  What happens with the move I'm preparing for?  What if I'm just a sap and there's nothing wrong with me at all?  What if the pain I feel is just in my mind?

The unknown is a place I have no control.  It does not bend to my will or care about the affect it has on my heart and mind.  And yet, it consumes my thoughts.  This issue has brought that fact to light; but makes me wonder how much of myself I hand over to the unknown places.