Eventually, a letter to my family.
I don't know where to start. I've tried for years to live my life in a way that doesn't disappoint those I love. Over and over, I've tried to be the person I'm expected to be. The more I live my life for others, however, the more depressed and unhappy I've become.
I've prayed for thirty years asking God to make me "they way I'm supposed to be". I've begged Him for "healing". I shut down a part of my heart so I can lie to myself and pretend to be like everyone else. I just can't do it anymore.
Since moving to Columbus, I've realized many important things. By far, the biggest is how much God loves me. The reality of that love is amazing. And as I continue to grasp the depth of it, I find myself losing some self-loathing! I can't "love others as I love myself" or "love others as Jesus first loved me" and maintain that intense hatred.
Another thing I've noticed is how little communication there has been with me and my family. It's really hard to have real conversations when a big part of myself must remain hidden. Backing away probably ins't the best solution, but I really hate lying to those I love. How do you answer the question "what's been going on in your life" when you know the honest answer won't be accepted?
I've also realized how badly I want a family of my own. Six of my siblings are married and have kids. Another is getting married in a few short months. How I long for what they have found! My heart desires someone to spend the rest of my life with. How sad it makes me knowing my family will not be happy for me when that happens. How badly it hurts knowing they won't be excited at the idea of my marrying, but will more than likely walk away, again. Should my foster to adoption application be accepted, how do I explain to my kids why they don't get to spend time with their grandparents, uncles and aunts?
I can not continue to hide behind a lie of omission any cut myself in two anymore. I can pretend no longer to not hear the cries of my heart for that love of a lifetime. And I can no longer pretend that love will be a man.
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